FAMILY MATTERS March 2011 THE TWELVE C’S OF LOVE
C IS FOR COMMONALITY
Introduction
When you sit down with other couples who have been in long term relationships they are quick to point out what served them best was a deep sense of companionship. This companionship was built on many elements but chief among them is a commonality. They developed over the years a genuine love and liking for one another and for what they defined as a sense of being “us”. This “weness” or “usness” is what bonds and binds in the best sense of these terms. As God puts it, “They become one” not only in body but in spirit, in soul, and in mutuality. What that calls for within those about to enter into marriage is the need for an extended courtship that allows them to build well, with purpose, intentionality, and mutual understanding and commitment. They celebrate that oneness in ever renewing ways as they seek to find need satisfying ways of extending themselves on behalf of the other. It is this “weness” that provides the glue for sticking together through all life tosses their way. As we stated before, it goes from the best to even better.
Courtship in our culture has been sabotaged by the physical and emotional and the immediate. How many times does the honeymoon precede the marriage? Just because they can make things happen romantically/sexually that appeal to both, this is a small part of the whole needed to negotiate life successfully, meaningfully, and together. That is often why some relationships are in trouble as soon as the honeymoon is over. A solid relationship includes the sexual but that is not the whole. The whole includes the 24/7/365 of becoming companions with one another, collaborating, compromising and celebrating all there is in being us.
Getting to know one another takes more than physical attraction and ardent lovemaking. It takes time, lots of self-disclosure, a heart to heart communication, and learning how to express what is felt and what is needed. There is a foundation to be built, reinforced, maintained and enhanced. Agendas need to be exposed and at times challenged. Building on the right foundation is necessary. Hopes, desires and fears need to be shared. Above all is the building of trust in one another. None of this comes without time and a willingness to be known.
All of us bring some baggage that must be dealt with. Things from prior relationships, deep seated fears of being hurt, maybe a few phobias, hurts, disillusionments, and maybe even a few illusions that can get in the way. Since we are building a life together as one and want it to last as long as we both shall live, more time and energy has to be expended in preparing for marriage and not just planning a wedding. Know this for certain: two unknowns in spite of the best of intentions do not make a lasting and meaningful relationship. We relate out of who we are, what we have to give, and what we know of our own true self.
With our feet well on the ground we can now build in all that is needed for the long haul. Have you heard the quote, “Marriages are made in Heaven”? They can be if that is how we make them. God wants to partner with us in that possibility. With that as our goal and prayer, then let’s look at what needs to go into it to make that a reality.
1. A Common Foundation for Our Relationship
A solid foundation calls for a lot of work in constructing what will be needed for the long haul.
What means most to us in and about life together? What do we want, why do we want it in place, and how can we build it so it meets real needs and fulfills mutual desires, hopes and dreams? What style of marriage will work best for us? What about becoming a family? Of all the elements that can be put in place, what is most important to the two of us and why? What does it mean to us to be husband and wife? What are the roles of each? What are to be the shared roles? What are we asking of each other and why? What reading do we need to do together to make this relationship what God wants it to be for each of us? Right now there are more questions than answers, and answers are what we need to work on together. This forms the foundation of all that is to come and be shared. We need to build well.
2. A Common Goal in Mind and Heart
The average couple starting off in marriage has some idea of where they would like it to go but few have a real plan to determine the direction or purpose. Too often they just drift as circumstances fill their little sail with whatever winds may be available at the time. They have never learned to tack, trim or put out a spinnaker to guarantee a desired result. To go with the flow may end in disaster. Before launching out into the deep there needs to be a meeting of minds and hearts and determining this is where we want to go and how we hope to get there. A common goal means both have a vested interest in it and are willing to make it happen. Again this is built on the oneness a couple creates with intentionality and commitment.
3. A Common Agreement on Expectations and Real Needs
Far too often there exists hidden agendas of what one expects out of a relationship and also how one may assess real needs. When Jenny was being courted by Clarence he was promising her the moon and she was thinking of another planet. She guessed well what he wanted from her during the courtship and she played the role well enough to convince him this was how things would be. As soon as the honeymoon was over he discovered her true expectations and what she meant by real needs. He was heartbroken by the sudden shift in a lack of affection and a demand for love to be shown in terms of things and possessions. Why were these things not realized during the courtship? Opposites may attract but what holds them together is commonality.
4. A Common Sense of Worth and Value
We all grow up in families and take on certain traits and values from that family of origin. But when we marry our partner comes from another family system and when there is not enough overlapping for a comfortable commonality, a lot of negotiating needs to take place. If one simply gives in to the other, too many resentments may surface. To build a oneness into their relationship worth and value need to be discussed and explored and a new family system devised. What needs to be added together from each; what needs to be discarded and why? If Mr. Frugal marries Ms Spendthrift then money will be a burr under both saddles. What is to be the role of money? What are the values we are to hold in common? What can we collaborate on and what calls for compromise? Now is the time to affirm how things are to be.
5. A Common Value System
What is the role of time? How do we agree to use it? What is the role of the spiritual life, Church activities, a Christian home and marriage, stewardship, the use of our resources, and the causes that we cherish and plan to support? Our value system is the backbone and nerve of all we are about. The last thing kids need are parents with differing value systems. Life is confusing as a Christian within a secular world when parents are not in agreement. Values are not what we may claim but they are seen in how we live daily life. One good way of looking at this is to ask, “What would Jesus do”? Then we are to do it.
6. A Common Weness/Oneness as Persons
Weness/Oneness is created by a couple not only through self-disclosure but also in learning how to listen to the other and how to identify that other person’s real needs. Next month’s topic will be the C of Communication and that is the key to forming the oneness God has in mind for us. It is a soul-to-soul, heart-to-heart, visceral level of relating in which love flows freely between two persons who are learning how to love and be loved. Kids learn at early ages how to triangulate with Mom or Dad when they want something. Oneness means that when Mom or Dad speak, both have spoken.
7. A Common Lifestyle
One of the real dangers within our culture is that of developing a married-single lifestyle. She has hers, he has his, and at points they do intersect but not on a 24/7/365 basis. Seldom do their circles overlap enough to form a healthy togetherness between them. The lack of a solid oneness sends conflicting messages to the kids. Why does Mom go to Church and Dad does not? Why does one control the family assets and the other has no say in it? Why are we expected to live one way but our parents do not? Are we a family or just a few people living together?
8. A Common Companionship
No one person can meet every real need of another, but within a committed marital relationship a very high percentage of what is needed comes from a single source. He needs a male friend or two; she needs a female friend or two; the couple needs multiple friends together. Family is one good source; there are others. Those within one’s faith community are a rich source. However, the chief aspect of their companionship is what they have in each other. That is first and foremost. Not only are they best friends, they are also lovers, confidants, and encouragers.
9. A Common Family System
What was the best from their families of origin and what they desire most to replicate is what they will create within their new Family System. They will also agree on what did not work from each’s background and will not be part of their new System. What they in turn will offer their own children is what they truly believe God wants them to pass on. These are conscious and deliberate choices they need to make for the sake of their marriage and family life.
10. A Common Worldview
The world we will live in differs from the world we were both raised in, and the world our kids will live in will change from what ours had been earlier. However, what is essential for us is the development of a unifying philosophy of life and thus the development of a world view that is Christian, compassionate, well thought out, and one we can support, encourage, and seek to sustain. We are citizens of a broken world challenged to bring His wholeness and love to all who are our contemporaries. We are not a world unto ourselves; we are His as His witness amidst the world’s brokenness. It will be blessed because we have lived here to His glory. We are here to count for others.
In Conclusion
There is more to consider for life is such a precious gift of God it cannot be squandered or lived hit or miss. Our commonality is to have a divine purpose and to be what we need it to be for going the long haul. Living within a Retirement Community we see couples with fifty and sixty years together, and could have had more years if health had allowed it. One Sunday morning we had flowers in the sanctuary for a couple celebrating their 72nd Anniversary. That deserved a standing ovation!
On the other hand, the duration depends more on what’s inside each couple and what they have in common. We may never know what hills they had to climb or what sorrows threatened along the way. Some split up for the wrong reasons and some stay together for the wrong reasons. But the reality of all this is when a couple believes they have their best friend in their mate, then no matter what they have to face, they learn to do it together and are blessed in turn. The death of a mate is hardest for them, but at the same time they are also the most blessed for look at all they have to look back on and continue to celebrate. To them death is never an ending, just a graduation after a course well done. To God be the glory.
Dr. Emil J. Authelet
eauthelet@cox.net
NEXT MONTH
C IS FOR COMMUNICATION
