FAMILY ISSUES May 2011 THE TWELVE C’S OF LOVE C IS FOR CARING
C IS FOR CARING
Introduction
One of the first stages to be worked through in any intimate relationship is how each perceives the other. There’s the old joke of the nervous bride fearing walking the aisle with her Dad to meet to Groom. Her Dad counsels her: “Now Honey, all you have to do is first concentrate on the aisle, then as you get half way down, focus on the altar, and then when you see him smiling at you, concentrate on him.” As she walked, those sitting on the aisle could hear her murmuring to herself, “Aisle, altar, Him…” Translated to them it meant, “I’ll alter him!”
There are things that surface during the courtship that get ignored, denied or put on the back burner until after the marriage when one hopes these might change – for the better. These can plague the first five years or so if either has a hidden agenda of how the other needs to change. But this is also the stage in which reality can set in and one discovers they may not be changing or changeable. This is when maturity versus immaturity is challenged. This is also when many couples give up and settle for what is or lose faith altogether and look for ways out. Immaturity can never handle intimacy; it is far too self-focused.
What should be obvious to all of us right from the start is that intimacy is based on focusing on the other more than on one’s self. This does not mean your needs are not important. They are. But so are the needs of the other. Intimacy begins to take shape when our focus is on the needs of the other and not on our own. The other will be focusing on ours more than their own. That is how intimacy is built, works, and is kept alive for the long haul. Like the old song, “True Love,”
“I give to you…and you give to me….” Neither loses out; both receive in full.
So, let me ask you what it is you have to offer, share, and give to the other? What caring is all about is meeting the real needs in the life of the other. This works both ways. Therefore, in any caring relationship intimacy will result. But without that level of caring for the other, intimacy becomes impossible. Our goal is intimacy at the deepest possible levels. Here’s how that looks when we examine it together.
1. Caring for One Another in Knowledgeable Ways
You have reached an age of responsibility and with that maturing you have some perceptions of how life works. But, as psychologists can tell you, “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus.” We are different. We see needs differently. We care differently. We tend to project our own stuff onto the other and assume they think as we do. Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t. Maybe we guess right once in a while; maybe we don’t. But since we are seeking to build intimacy and create a need satisfying way of relating, we need to know. We need to be knowledgeable lovers. The way this becomes a part of us is by asking, learning, discovering, and then acting out what is being learned. This allows us to learn how to put the other ahead of ourselves and show our care and concern in how we relate. The loving thing to do is to put the other first but in order to do that meaningfully we need to know how, when and why to do it. Now the other’s true needs can come first with us. We are learning to create a need-centered togetherness and it matters to us which need comes first. Love is putting the other ahead of self.
2. Caring About One Another in Meaningful Ways
Since men tend to live at the thinking stage (often denying the feeling stage) and women at the feeling/thinking stage (allowing feelings to control their thinking), a lot of miscommunication can be present. If understanding is to be present in the relating, things need to be clarified and understood from the other’s point of view. For example, you want your partner to know that they are loved by you. But how will that message get through to the other so they can really hear it?
How does she like to be told? How does he like to be told? How is this to be shown so both understand what is being shared? And when it comes to understanding what the other needs from us, how is that need to be defined? Does either need time to be alone to process something? Can the other allow for that time without feeling threatened? Does she need to share a feeling without him thinking he has to fix it? If any negative emotions surface, how are they to be handled? What is it we need from each other? And when we are sharing at this level, is there the freedom in the relationship to be able to ask the other, “How well am I doing…?”
3. Caring by Learning, Understanding and Remembering
Early in the relating there are times when both need to learn how to work with each other to achieve a sound level of understanding and thus coming to a level of self-understanding as well. But when we do learn we need to care enough to make that learning a permanent part of the relating. You care enough to learn, to come to a new level of understanding and to commit it to memory so it becomes a life-long lesson. This level of caring truly says “I love you this much….” We are learning the what, when, where, how and why of caring. Now that this has been learned and experienced, it can be demonstrated in good measure and again this says to the other, “This is part of my loving you.”
4. The Why of Caring
There is a level of caring that God calls us to learn in creating and living within the world of intimacy. It is a vicarious experiencing of what is going on in the other, why it may be there, and how best to respond to it. Learning how to enter the feelings and sorrows and pain of another does not come naturally. It is a supernatural experience. You are literally and figuratively entering into the feelings of the one loved. Supposing during the early years of your relating your partner loses a parent or family member. It is a time of deep sorrow for her. You know she is going to need time to process this and until she is able to do so life changes dramatically. You put your needs aside and you enter hers fully and freely. You are there for her. You give her the space she needs and you comfort and support her in every way possible. You love her and reassure her you are there for her. All other needs can be laid aside. This is what she needs most from you right now. This is what she can count on from you. You are together in the healing that is taking place. This is how true love operates.
5. Caring Together for Others
What caring does for us as a couple leads us to go beyond ourselves and to care for others. This begins between us but does not stop there. We learn to live beyond ourselves by putting the real needs of our family first, then to our extended family and with them all we meet along life’s roads. Just as God loves the world so we learn to love it with His love. We care about what is happening around the globe to people and to the Earth itself. As Christians we are salt and light, that is what we desire to live out. We seek to learn to love what God loves. As a couple we team together with others who care and to demonstrate that caring in concrete ways. The end result of all this is to glorify His Name. We cannot do everything that needs to be done but we can do a share and we can care about all others doing their share as well.
6. Caring for God’s Creation
We accept our mutual responsibility for creation and its well-being. This commits us to living frugally, using the world’s resources responsibly, by simplifying our wants to real needs, and not getting caught up in possessions as if they mark some sort of earthly success. We seek to live with eternal values in view. We recycle. Our Christian stewardship reflects itself in each aspect of our daily lives. We support causes that have creation’s interests at heart. We expect the world’s leadership to do the same. Our love for God and life as He intends it to be lived is binding on us and our lifestyles. We teach the same to our families by word and deed.
7. Caring About Life In God’s World
There are children and adults around this globe that are depending on help from us. Part of our Christian stewardship is to see that they have clean water, daily nourishment, liveable conditions, and a genuine sense of purpose and justice to the lives they lead. We care for the widows and orphans, the poor, the neglected and the disenfranchised. Since it is God’s world we expect His concerns for them to be fulfilled in and through us as His own. What we do for them we do as unto Him. We do it in His Name, in His way, and for His purposes. We pray for God to bless the whole world, no exceptions.
8. Caring to Go Beyond Ourselves
We are not here for anything but for Him. We owe Him our all. We would not even have life if it were not for Him and His grace toward us in His Son. He is our purpose for living and in our living we want to glorify Him. This means we are here to count for others. Our true purpose is to go beyond ourselves to live out with passion and compassion His love for all others. In living for others we go beyond ourselves and who we are. Our true identity is in the fact we are His. This calls us to extend ourselves on behalf of others. As a family we volunteer in soup kitchens, we give to worthwhile causes, we count in the lives of those less fortunate, and above all we share our Christian faith and witness. We are willing to engage in relieving the painful things that break the heart of God.
9. Christian Caring
This calls us to care for all that God cares about, and to do it in the ways Jesus has exampled for us. In His day it was prostitutes, tax collectors, and an assortment of sinners. In our day it also includes the addicts, abusers, and the abused. It means being a vital part of a growing spiritual faith community and serving with our Spiritual Gifts for its up-building. It means being knowledgeable and involved in missions around the world. It means to be a viable witness for Christ in our neighborhood and community. It means being known as a Christian by our love of neighbor and stranger. We are to live as extensions of His Incarnation. We are here to build His Kingdom, not our own. The heroes we seek to emulate are the heroes of faith, not the idols of the day. We are called to live The Jesus Way.
In Conclusion
We live in a culture committed to living for one’s self. Jesus calls us by command and example to live for others. Our decision as a Christian couple and family is to follow His example. We are here to live for others. Not only are we called to live for them but we are commanded as well to love them. This command prescribes how we are to live for them – as Jesus did. It is vicarious, redemptive, and ever caring.
If we learn to love them with His love, then their real needs will be met in good measure. We will count for Him with them. His Incarnation will service them through us. According to Romans 8 the world is dying to see and experience what life can be as Christ lives from within us. That is what we are here for. Instead of listening to the world that tells us “we can be anything we want to be,” the Holy Spirit is seeking to grow us up into the Person of Jesus Christ so we can become all He wants us to be. That’s what the world needs most from us.
Being His above all else is our calling. It is also our joy. And it will prove to be all our partners and families need of us as well. The Kingdom of God is more than the world can ever offer, and as living partners of His in that Kingdom, we are able to offer to His world the love that saves, the grace that forgives, the peace that satisfies, and the life that is eternal.
To care like that can get one crucified. But there is no hope for the world without it. As Mother Teresa once expressed it, “To live like that may get you crucified, but if it does, you’ll be in good company. Do it anyway.”
Dr. Emil J. Authelet
eauthelet@cox.net
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C IS FOR CONFESSION AND CONTRITION
