FAMILY MATTERS September 2011 THE TWELVE C’S OF LOVE
FAMILY MATTERS
September 2011
THE TWELVE C’S OF LOVE:
1 Corinthians 13 and More…
C IS FOR CONSIDERATION
Introduction
Regardless of your family of origin and what you experienced there while growing up, allow yourself for a few moments to imagine your parent’s marriage and family life would have been like if it were marked by an ongoing consideration of the feelings of each and every member involved. Dad and Mom were considerate of each other’s feelings; as your parents they were constantly considerate of yours. The parameters of every single day’s life and activities were enveloped in this atmosphere of consideration for each one’s feelings. Feelings would be out in the open, no one would be telling you “you shouldn’t feel that way,” and how you felt would be important and validated and affirmed. Nothing had to remain hidden and/or repressed.
Would that not be like Heaven on Earth to you? Would it not give you the thought your feelings are important, and that right or wrong, they are yours and are not going to be discounted just because they are adults and you are a child? Would this not also help you come to understand feelings, what they are and what they mean and why you have them? Would this not be a wonderful gift to you from them in helping you learn what they are, how to understand them, and that having them is a real gift of God?
Is this how you were raised during these early years? If not, how then did you come to understand and learn how to handle them? What gave you the feeling that you were important within your family? Did you think that only children have feelings and that when you get older you grow out of having them? Were you ever criticized for expressing a feeling? Were you ever told you were wrong to feel a certain way?
When did you learn that love does not deny feelings or seek to force people to change their feelings so they would fit in and not cause tension or conflict in a family? How do you believe love acts when it comes to feelings of another as well as of one’s own? Can you imagine love being anything but considerate of another’s feelings as well as of one’s own?
How does it make you feel when someone considers your feelings and makes you feel they are important to them because they are important to you? Does this not make you feel loved when this happens? How important to you are your feelings and those of others you are in a relationship with?
This is the life God intends for us here and now and forever. In any and every relationship a major consideration has to be for the feeling level of all that transpires in the relating. No where is this truer than in marital, family and close individual relationships. Unless we consider the feeling level between us, nothing else can replace this reality. There can be no intimacy without encompassing the feeling levels. This is the level at which far too many relationships fail, and a failure at this level too often leads to a failing of the relationship itself. Marriages and families failing to relate meaningfully at the feeling levels are in continual danger of doing permanent damage to their potential.
1. Consideration is a loving way of relating
It prefers the other above one’s self
It puts the real needs of the other ahead of one’s own
It works out of an other-focus
It operates at the feeling level
It is committed to the other’s real needs
It prizes the relationship
2. Consideration is a loving way to understanding
It discovers that asking is the best way of learning about the other
It finds reflective listening works best for its full understanding
In being able to give it back proves its understanding
It seeks correction to assure understanding
It wants to know what is needed so it can understand and respond
It seeks feedback to know it is on target in understanding
3. Consideration is aloving way of acting
It prescribes how we relate and why
It operates on the basis of invitation
It sets the boundaries of the relating
It presents itself to acting toward the other as needed
It says by its presence I am here for you
It wants to know how its relating can be improved
4. Consideration is a loving way of truthing
Its word and deed speak the same language on purpose
Its truth is in its action
Its truth proves to be love in action
Its word and deed affirm one another
Its love speaks volumes
It want to be known as truth in action
5. Consideration is a loving way of proofing
It shows how much we care and why
It shows what matters most and why
It leaves no room for doubt or suspicion
It does it in dependable ways
It can be counted on to last
It seeks to eliminate all doubt and confusion
6. Consideration is a loving way of need-satisfying
It focuses on the real needs
It seeks to meet it in full measure
It proves itself as sufficient and caring
It is here for the long haul
It is need-satisfying and sufficient
It seeks to meet a need in full measure as needed
7. Consideration is a loving way of life-gifting
Need-satisfaction is life-giving/sustaining
It is in response to a real need.
Much would be lost without it being given
It gives of itself in life-enhancing measure
It wants God’s best for the other
It gives freely and fully of itself to the other
8. Consideration is a loving way of loving
Love is the motivation for its giving
It asks for nothing in return except to be able to love more
It is given as a means to a greater end to God’s glory
Its motive is clear and demonstrable
It seeks reflection to know how well it is doing
Is the message “I love you” coming through loudly and clearly
Conclusion
Consideration is asking and not assuming so you know what is needed of you by the other. If we merely assume we will be wrong more than right. The relationship is too important to be assumed or taken for granted.
Consideration is knowing the other’s real need and reassuring it is being met in good measure. Naming a need is not enough; what does that need mean to the others and what it their perception? I need to see it though that person’s eyes, not just my own.
Consideration is connecting intimately with the other and developing the levels of relating needed for true intimacy. Surface considerations can miss the mark and lead to much confusion in the relating. Intimacy comes at a far deeper level and is far more rewarding when achieved. There can be no true intimacy where consideration is not a major part of the foundation.
Consideration is learning how best to relate and what needs to be unlearned and replaced. If we project our stuff onto the other person, we are going to miss the reward of true intimacy and understanding. Love is not a shotgun blast hoping some will hit the real target. Love is an arrow that aims at the bull’s eye, and it hits dead center for it has learned how to aim in response to the other’s real need. It doesn’t have to guess; it has learned how to know.
Consideration is proving how much you care and what the other means to you. I care enough to listen, then share back with you what I believe I am hearing, so that you can affirm it or challenge it. Your need is so important to me I want to get it right and respond to it with all my being. I need to know you know I care, and how much.
Consideration is connecting with the other so as to form a solid oneness between us. Love asks to know, then when the answer is clear and affirmed, it is plugged into the heart of the lover and the proper response is forthcoming. At times there is still the further consideration to make sure the need has not changed and love still knows how to respond fully and freely.
Consideration is how love operates and you can trust it unconditionally. Lessons learned become lessons remembered and honored. It never becomes “the same old;” it is refreshingly new each and ever day as it this were the first.
Consideration is to be so real it is palpable. You know it is there; you know it will be there. It is becoming as regular as a sunrise. You awaken to the realization it has been present and will always be present. You can count on it year in and year out. It is real.
Consideration is at the heart of 1 Corinthians 13. There is nothing more consistently considerate than is love as God shares it in and through us. Like Jesus, it is the “same yesterday, today, and forever.” With every beat of the heart the result is the same.
Consideration is never an accident: it is made to happen. That is because God is in it. This is why consideration is to be our mutual way of life. Remember true love: “I give to you and your give to me…” Love never stops giving of itself to the other. It is the nature of true love to give and give and give again.
Consideration must be based in the Example of Jesus for His own. He is the Example it follows. He is the one who births it within us. He gives it, the Holy Spirit applies it, and the one loved receives it in full measure.
Marriages do not die for a lack of consideration; they die because they have never been based on true consideration from the start. If the courtship and marriage were based in true consideration, they would never end. They’d just keep on growing until them became all He wanted them to be.
Dr. Emil J. Authelet
eauthelet@cox.net
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C IS FOR CONCERNS
